The Consolation Prize?
by unnoticedshadow
Summary: How I think Jac could be feeling a couple of months after Joseph leaves, and the effect it has on her.  How will Joseph react? Passing mention of self-harm, takes place after the episode 'China In Your Hands', when Joseph leaves to go to Penrith.


Joseph jumped into his car, Harry in the backseat, as he sped back towards Holby. It had only been three months since they had left for Penrith, but a rather alarming call from Sacha Levy had him racing back to the place that he, before now, had no desire to return to.

* * *

Thirty minutes earlier:

_Joseph glanced at the caller ID as his mobile began to ring, and was surprised to see the name of the ex-co-worker flashing up on the screen._

_Hesitantly, he accepted the call._

"_Sacha? What can I do for you?"_

_Joseph was rather concerned when he heard a crash in the background, and his worries were only confirmed when Sacha replied._

"_It's Jac," he said hurriedly, "You need to come back. Ever since you've left she's become like an emotionless wall. And today, she broke. A patient made a scathing remark about her obviously having no-one, you know, relationship wise, due to her, and these are their words, not mine, cold heart. Since then she's locked herself in the staff room on Keller and is just, well, throwing everything around. You leaving really hit her hard. After the whole thing with her mum showing up, I think you did her the world of good, and this past few months, since you've left, it's just set her right back to square one. You need to come back Joseph."_

_As soon as Sacha had started speaking, Joseph had grabbed his jacket and was packing an over-night bag for him and Harry._

"_I'll be there in two hours," Joseph promised, and hung up the phone._

_He had no idea that she was feeling like this. They had spoken most days on the phone, and although she hadn't been as witty as usual, he didn't realise that things were this bad._

* * *

Present

Flying down the motorway, Joseph tried to think of what he could say when he got there. He had no idea how much he could have set Jac back, but now it suddenly seemed clear. Ever since her mum left her again, Jac had been finding it hard to trust people, but Joseph thought they had really made a breakthrough. How could he have been so stupid?

Two hours later, Joseph was flying down the corridors of Holby, barely stopping to great anyone he passed, until he reached Keller. He passed Harry hurriedly to Sacha, and knocked gently on the staff room door.

"Go away," Jac said from inside, and her voice brought a tear to Joseph's eye. She sounded so, well, broken.

Gently he pushed open the door.

"Jac?" he asked gently, as he saw her curled up behind an overturned table, arms wrapped around her knees, and her head hidden in her arms.

Jac, who was utterly exhausted from her breakdown earlier, thought she was imagining things when she first heard, what she thought was, his voice. Surely he couldn't be here?

But when he repeated her name, and she felt his hand rest gently on her knee, she knew it was. At first, she felt peaceful. And then she remembered why she was feeling like this in the first place, and so she turned away from him, and kept her head tucked down so that he couldn't see the pain that he had caused her.

"Jac, I'm so sorry," Joseph said, as he moved to sit next to her. He sat just close enough so that their shoulders were touching, but not so close that it would suffocate her.

When Jac didn't respond, Joseph took a few minutes to study her. She had changed a lot in the last three months, and not in a good way. She had lost so much weight that her surgical scrubs were literally hanging off her, and the arms she had wrapped around her knees were so thin that he was concerned that if he so much as touched them they would snap in two. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and he could just make out tears rolling steadily down her pale cheek. In fact, Joseph realised, at this exact moment in time, Jac looked like a little girl, lost in an adult world, with no-one to rely on, who could only cope by lashing out.

Then Jac quietly spoke.

"You promised."

Joseph frowned.

"What do you mean?" he asked carefully.

Jac lifted her head to look at him in the eye for the first time, and Joseph was alarmed to see the dark bags that had formed, due to lack of sleep.

Jac opened her mouth to explain.

"When my mother left for the second time, with her _daughter_ in tow, I felt so alone. I was sure that there must have been something wrong with me. After all, how could she leave me, and then have another daughter, who she kept, if it wasn't my fault? But then we got back together, and it suddenly felt like I mattered to someone. Like I wasn't second best, a consolation prize that could be exchanged for something better. And you actually said that you would never leave me thinking that I was second best, that I didn't matter."

As Joseph opened his mouth to protest, Jac shook her head, and continued.

"I know that it isn't the same, and that he's your son, but it still hurt. It still felt to me as if Harry had come along, and you just thought, 'Oh, I have a son now who needs me. I don't need Jac anymore'. And I know that probably wasn't what you were actually thinking, but that's how it felt to me. That's how it always has been in my life. My mother kept me until she had a better offer, then she shoved me in a care home. I've lost count of the number of foster parents who took me in, 'miraculously' got pregnant, and then sent me back because they had their _own_ child now, they didn't need a poor substitute. But for the first time, with you, I felt like I actually mattered, like I was more than a substitute until something better came along."

As she was speaking, she pushed a stray hair out of her face, and Joseph hurriedly held her arm, as something caught his attention as the surgical scrubs rose up her arm.

"What's this?" he asked gently as he traced his fingers over the angry red marks that covered her upper arm.

Tears leaked from Jac's eyes, as drew her arm away and whispered, "I didn't know what else to do."

Joseph felt the guilt flow through him as wrapped his arms gently around Jac, pulling her close.

"I'm so sorry Jac," he said, "I never wanted you to think that about yourself. I do love you, it's just that Harry's my son, and I had to do what was right for him. I didn't realise that you would think that I didn't love you as much as him, because I do, but, he's my-"

"Your son, yes I get it," Jac interrupted. "Well," she continued, "I'm sorry that I interrupted your precious father-son time. I didn't ask you to come back, and I will make sure that Sacha doesn't try to contact you again."

Joseph was confused. "Why are you being like this Jac?" he asked, "Why are you pretending that it doesn't matter? Why are you pretending that you don't care anymore?"

"Because now you're here, I have to watch you leave again! I found it so hard watching you walk out of my life three months ago, I don't think that I can do it again. It hurts too much. You're the first man I truly trusted with my heart. I know it sounds corny, and not something that I would usually say, but I really did love you Joe."

The use of his shortened name, which only she used, sent a shock of pain running through Joseph's body. But it was something else she said that hurt even more.

"You _did_ love me?" Joseph questioned quietly.

Jac turned away. "If I admit that I still love you then it'll make it even harder when you go."

Joseph, stood up, pulled her to her feet and grasped her hands tightly in his.

"Come with me," he said, and Jac immediately shook her head.

"I _can't_" she insisted, and Joseph quickly interrupted.

"Not for good," he quickly clarified, "Just for the rest of the week. We can spend some time together, talk things through, and see how we can make this work. Because I still love you Jac, and seeing you in this much pain is killing me. What do you think? You can visit me, I can visit you, we can travel up on days off, holidays, there's no reason why this can't work. Yes, it will be difficult, but I have really missed you Jac. I love you."

Jac lifted her eyes to meet his and nodded slowly, anxiously gnawing on her lip. Joseph smiled slightly and stepped forward, lacing his fingers through her hair. As he lowered his lips towards Jac's, a slight smile graced her features, and when their lips joined once again, tears were running down both their cheeks.

Once they parted, both slightly breathless, Joseph said sternly,

"Now, I want you to promise me that you will stop hurting yourself like this, and please, stop feeling second best. Because you aren't. Not at all."

Jac nodded, and wrapped her arms around his waist, listening to his strong heartbeat.

Things weren't ideal, or simple by any stretch of the imagination, but maybe they were getting better.

Maybe, just maybe, Jac Naylor might get the happy ending she had been hoping for.

**

* * *

A/N: I couldn't see either of them changing their minds about leaving, so I thought that this could work. Please review and let me know what you think, even if you think it's rubbish!**


End file.
